Seminar for Patzers

This club was created specifically for patzers. How do you know if you are a patzer? Please make sure that you meet one of the requirements before applying:

1. You play 1. e4 and your opponent announces “Mate in 6.”
2. Members of your chess club start chuckling when you walk through the door.
3. Your idea for a king sacrifice doesn't go very well.
4. At your last tournament, you tied for last place with a monkey named “Bobo.”
5. Your opponent records your name as “NN” on his notation sheet.
6. You check the pairings for the next round and the computer has already printed out the result "0" for you.
7. As soon as you start a new game in Chessmaster, just as you're moving your first piece up, the analysis window pops up and it says "OK, resigning here seemed like a logical choice."
8. You use a pocket flashlight to distract your opponent so that he can't see where your king is "hiding".
9. You lose a game and your rating goes up.
10. You aspire to be considered a patzer.
11. After chess.com staff notice your poor play, you are the first member asked to leave the site for incompetence.
12. You've been advised to consider "Chess for Dummies" as advanced material.
13. More than one chess coach has written you off as a lost cause.
14. After more than 50 years, Znosko-Borovsky's book "How Not to Play Chess" has been appended to include your games.
15. Your opponent laughs tentatively after you double jump their knight and bishop with your pawn and declare "King me!"
16. Your idea of "opening preparation" is setting the pieces up on the right squares.
17. You win a tournament because everyone who was there and had to play you withdrew.
18. You try to knock down the opponent's pawns with a bowling ball.
19. The United States Chess Federation (USCF) sends you a generous check, requesting you sign up to be a life-long non-member.
20. Your digital clock gets stuck in time delay. When you try to fix it, words flash on the screen: "Trust me, I'm doing you a favor."
21. You bring rocks and cement to every tournament because you play the Stonewall.
22. The tournament director has made a sign which he puts next to your board, saying "Sorry, that move is illegal." He points to it every time you put your hand on a piece.
23. You shaved your head once to try a fresh start and the barber found tattooed on the back of your head, "May implode if placed near chessboard".
24.  Your opponent plays an en passant capture and you say, "No thanks, I'm allergic to peanuts."
25. You roll your 20-sided dice and say "Pawn attacks e4 square for 8 hit points of damage".
26. You aim for a smothered mate by grabbing an opponent's neck.
27. You decide in a tournament that you'll throw every one of your pieces that were captured to your opponent. You only won because you knocked him unconscious.
28. You put a token on every square around the enemy king at the start of the game, saying "They've been nuked, so you can't move through them."
29. When you want to castle your king, you put a sandcastle on it, thinking "Haha! You can't checkmate me now!" The Tournament Director removes the sandcastle and you realize you don't have a king in the first place. Then, you run for 5 minutes to chase the TD down, only to lose on time.
30. You stole the coffin of Queen Elizabeth and placed it on d1.
31. After hearing that chess is the "game of kings", you decide that it is unjust to move any other piece than the king on each move.
32. When someone explains the "touch-move" rule to you, you respond by touching all your pieces and then moving them.
33. You play chess against your friend and after the game, he forgets how to play.
34. The good thing about your games is that you've learned every type of mating pattern...
35. You die because Alexei Shirov lit the board on fire.

Only 1e41-0 (also known as Robert) does not have to meet these requirements, for he is the prestigious founder of this group!

If you wish to help us celebrate and analyze the move 1.a3 (and complete my 10-page treatise on the subject), which was first played by the great master Adolf Anderssen, please join!

 Please include your full name and age in the application or you will be rejected.